Some important things to remember:
- Vary sentence structure
- Vary punctuation
- Use a range of connectives as appropriate
- Choose a sophisticated vocabulary
- Develop an original and entertaining voice
- Appeal to the senses of the reader
- Try to write imaginatively and metaphorically but avoid telling a story unless the question asks for this
- Use paragraphing for effect and link with connectives where appropriate
- Spell as accurately as you can (but don't allow this to limit your vocabulary choice)
- STICK TO THE TASK
Below is a quick video on varying sentence structure; apologies for the poor quality on this one.
Posts
Writing to describe.
ReplyDeleteDescribe yourself:
Staring down at my large, unusual, hideous thighs, I feel a cold wet drop fall from the corner of my eye. I know I’m different. Not the same. Alone. But the problem is I can’t help it; I didn’t decide to be like this. My peculiar shaped hands just immediately reach out for food at any moment possible. Why can’t I control myself?
Unlike me, all the other girls are like beautiful pieces of artwork. Unfortunately I can’t be like them; I’m too shaggy and heavy. It is impossible for me to get a boyfriend with a body like this.
My arms, my legs, my stomach; why? All of them, round and obese. Every day, I examine my huge bingo wings in the mirror and see myself in fifty years time; massive and lonely. I don’t understand how I turned out like this; I’m not a bad person.
Helen
Excellent writing Helen, well done. I really don't have any targets for this; the challenge from here would be probably be in maintaining this voice in a structured way to turn this into an exam length piece however careful planning should surmount this difficulty. Well done!
ReplyDeleteWriting to descibe: descibing yourself.
ReplyDeleteThe glaring sun defiantly beats downwards, onto my exhausted shoulders. Unless you are used to straining your limits for many hours at a time, you will not last long. The ability to kill is also a necessity.
My dark skin bears testament to my loyal heritage: my family has worked for this organisation for countless years. As is also tradition, I have a tattoo on my scarred back.
It is a dragon.
This mighty beast symbolises my bravery, loyalty, and the fear felt by my enemies. They have a right to be scared; scared of my crack-shots and vicious weapons.
What's more, I brag to my comrades-in- arms, I'm the best fighter in the whole God forsaken desert. My nimble fingers allow me to aim at the most elusive of targets. Also, my highly trained eye can quickly locate any malicious, evil and vile Yankee soldier within a country mile!
I am a killer, it's all I know. A bloody loyal killer who is more than willing to die for our glorious cause.
At the moment, my small and sturdy feet drum out a rapid rhythm as I close down on the town: my stamina is unmatched; my speed is breath taking; I am the ultimate fighting warrior.
Oh yes, did I mention that I'm a Taliban soldier?
- Jack (upgraded class work)
Describe Yourself:
ReplyDeleteHello. As you can probably see by the tone of my voice, I am a very anxious and shy girl. People find it exceedingly difficult to have a descent conversation with me as if I am a monster. It makes me feel as if I am depraved. Isolated. Completely seperated from every average student in this school.
Whilst having a fearful, scared and shadowed tonality picking me right out from the rest of the year, is not the only aspect of me which makes me recognisable in this way. My face is as pale as a snowman having no colour or make-up pasted onto it; I feel very intimidated by others and what they may think of me. This mirrors the style of my hair; always being tied into a knot; making sure my hair doesn't fall into my face.
Besides having an unusual persona which does not agree with the rest of the girls in this school, almost makes me scared to change and transform the way I am. Now-I am always constantly upset and feeling melancholy. Why can't I be normal; like the other girls in this hall?
Jack-
ReplyDeleteThis is excellent writing and I would change very little technically however, as it goes on, I think you could be seen to enter dangerous territory politcally because of the subject matter: what I looked at in class was open to much more interpretation than this and, whilst you cannot be marked down for flirting with controversy in this way, I would keep it a little more open than explicitly pointing out that you are a Taliban fighter.
Only other thing is in the first sentence: "The glaring sun defiantly beats downwards, onto my exhausted shoulders." No need for a comma here.
Anonymous 12th May 19:02:
ReplyDeleteGood writing here although I'd like you to work in a little more ambitious vocabulary (I know this doesn't suit the voice you have created but you need to prove you can). The other thing is that this section:
"It makes me feel as if I am depraved. Isolated. Completely seperated from every average student in this school."
would really benefit from some semicolons:
"It makes me feel as if I am depraved; Isolated; Completely seperated from every average student in this school."
Good work though.
Describe a nightmare place
ReplyDeleteThis place, it’s just too beautiful. The slight, smooth, twinkly harps are just too beautiful. I can’t put up with the angelic-ness of a place like this it’s just maddening, Give me a rock solid beat and house shaking bass any day, there is nothing better, the sheer ugliness of this is just beautiful.
There is nothing better than Dark and bright colours. “Neon” is so amazing, but nothing is bright and shocking here, it is all vibrant and lively, what’s the attraction I tell you, what the attraction is of mountains of clouds, cloud seats and an almost always beautifully clear sky. There’s no variation, there’s no clouds, no pretty patterns to stare at, no one to shout at in the street, no one to abuse, shout at and attack.
No one to lash out at no one to hurt, or damage. Nothing for me to do, no alcohol for me to drink. This is torture, Beautiful, but true torture. Ahhh.
describe the view from your bedroom window.
ReplyDeleteThe view from my bedroom window, one of peace and tranquillity, you’d think, but I know the truth, I know the secrets that flowing, deep, mysterious lawn holds, I know what lies in those trees.
Shuffling towards the window I see, the darkness is creeping up the horizon, I can see it slowly eating the flesh of the earth, turning beauty and life into what truly happens here, I know what the police and the guards do when peoples backs are turned, when people look the other way when the mysterious blank of dark hides their true activities, I know, and that’s why I’m here.
The Tree’s know, that I know, I know they do. They taught me the secrets. Beneath their leafy branches, much happens. Nothing you’d believe mind you. Murder! Rape! It all happens in the garden, and no one knows, apart from those of us that are here, really know the truth and are trying to tell everyone.
The Gardener’s commit the crimes; it is them that do the murdering, killing all behind our backs. They all do it after they finish their work, after they finish mowing and burying and hiding the bodies and remains from the night before, they are the worst, nearly, but they did not give me away, trying to find out, They didn’t betray may when I required it’s solace.
The path, It was the path that portrayed me, I was relying on its ease of access and solace that it provided, but it portrayed me, the loose gravelly surface, making just enough noise to betray me, But the path is not totally to blame, It was the police’s fault they caught me and called me mad, But they believed me when I persuaded them, They bought me here, where I can watch the goings on of what happens on that lawn and under it, they provided me with the best view.
It was really nice of them to put me in here, with this lovely view of the window. If only this jacket they made me where wasn’t quite so tight, or less impossible to get off. I’d happily live here forever.
Describe Yourself (done in lesson)
ReplyDeleteI am, in pain. My body is a ruin of honed perfect temple it once was, my arms once well muscled and well defined are now twisted, broken what is left of the muscle covered over in ribbons of inflamed, red and ruined scar tissue. My eye socket is screaming in pain about where my eye used to be, with the other eye I can see it staring up at me from the floor. I am in pain. There is no two ways about it. My body a ruin, everything my mind once known now laid bare; for everyone to see, gaze into and tear to pieces, the only emotion left in my body is anger.
Craning my head up, towards my feet I can barely see the ceiling, coated in a layer of darkness and mystique that I wish I still held in my own head. In the very centre of that mystique is a small spot where the blood from my artery hit when they tried to cut off my foot, that failed too, It that is left of that attempt is a dirty great gash with green, pus dripping steadily onto my stomach. I was not always this way.
Once I was a toned, healthy man, a perfect by-product of army training. The most controlled area of myself was my mind, it contained the secrets of everything we were meant to know, the very proudest happiest major I definitely was. Still there is no point reminiscing, there is nothing I can do now. If I do not die today, It will be tomorrow
If you see my mother or my wife, tell them, that I love her.
Luke-
ReplyDeleteTHese are really excellent- written with great flair and imagination and, as always, an appropriate vocabulary. The main target for you here is to be careful with your comma usage- you have a tendency to use far too many and therefore your sentences can get too long.
A classic example is this sentence:
"The view from my bedroom window, one of peace and tranquillity, you’d think, but I know the truth, I know the secrets that flowing, deep, mysterious lawn holds, I know what lies in those trees."
Check out the variety of punctuation I can get in here when you've only used commas:
"The view from my bedroom window? One of peace and tranquillity? You’d think. But I know the truth: I know the secrets that flowing, deep, mysterious lawn holds; I know what lies in those trees."
These changes will make the difference between at least one grade boundary, maybe more. You're in a fortunate position in the exam in that the word processor will allow you to go back and make these changes afterwards but make damn certain that you do! Great writing though, really enjoyed reading it.
Lizzy -
ReplyDeleteDescribe a special place to you.
The darkness engulfed me, I crept down the marble stairs now not caring if they heard. I was ravenous my brain pleaded with my heart, begging but at the same time looking for that certain weakness that I knew lurked under the façade of strength. I desperately fumbled for the light switch, avoiding the cracks in the wall. I pushed along the stone rough damp walls wanting to find a source of light that would lead me to my demise. The coldness bit my cheeks fiercely; it did not bother me, not tonight, as the excitement that coarsed through my veins supplied a satisfying heat. I finally came across the warm plastic smooth box that I knew would not be able to sustain my needs. I breathed out the anxiety, the willpower that I could no longer sustain; I could not stop myself.
As soon as my heaven was alit, the different smells masked my doubt, and everything was more vivid. The bottles were standing to attention on that hypnotic shrine, I was already stood infront of the mahogany cupboard, it was already emitting the beautiful aroma. I drew in a large breath, wanting to get the scent on my tongue. Maybe that would be enough. It was never enough.
I listened silently attempting to hear any footsteps that would approach the cellar door, I could already hear the disapproval edge to Casey's voice as it vibrated off of the cellar walls. Shocked, I turned around; I was alone. Tentatively, I opened the door of the mahogany case, and desperately I picked out the dark bottle that encased my fear and love. It had been a week, I had imagined standing here for seven days, I had dreamt of the trickle of wine slither down my throat as I swallowed in my sleep. She would hate me, she would give me an ultimatum. Tonight I didn't care.
I uncorked the bottle, and instantly the cellar was filled with the aromatic scent of success. This would be my reward for being sober for a week, just a small gulp, a small glass, a small bottle. I didn't bother with common decency, I brought the rim of the bottle to my lips, and rush of guilt succumbed my success.
I was about to lose everything for a moment of glory, all the promises I had made, all the weeks determination, I was going to lose a family and a future. And yet, I couldn't resist automatically my arm was tilting the bottle, and even when I clamped my lips tightly I could still taste. The cellar of my my addiction was wide open, and there was no going back.
This is outstanding writing which toes the line between creativity and addressing the question. The only thing I want you to focus on is keeping your sentences a little shorter and uses semicolons to aaid this. Look at my version of your last paragraph:
ReplyDelete"I was about to lose everything for a moment of glory: all the promises I had made; all the weeks determination. I was going to lose a family and a future. And yet, I couldn't resist. Automatically my arm was tilting the bottle; even when I clamped my lips tightly I could still taste. The cellar of my addiction was wide open. There was no going back." Small changes but I think they add to the emotional intensity.
sir, do you get marked down when describing if you, without realising, end up telling a story with no time left to change? because i really can't tell the difference between a narrative and decribtive piece of writing? any tips to not fall into this trap? thank you!
ReplyDeleteis it ok to include a very small amount of dialogue in our descripionn, in order to get our point accross?
ReplyDeleteSir, I have tried a part of a past describing task but I stopped because I think it started turning into more of a story; I was wondering how could I stop that?
ReplyDeleteDescribe a special place:
That special place, the day of her first breath, the day of her first cry, the day my little, precious baby girl was born.
Thinking about it right this second, my eyes begin to shadow over with wet droplets of tears. I remember that day for my heart’s content.
As I sat there, listening to the shrill scream of innocent fresh new lives, my heart began to beat; faster and faster. My hands were soaked with my scared husbands sweat. The nurses in their amazingly sparkled clean white uniforms pushed me down that unusually tiny corridor. As they were doing so I quickly looked around to take in the essence of my surroundings. I could almost smell each and every room due to the fact we were so close. The sweet but yet enduring smell of green grapes were wafting through my nostrils as the calm, understanding and professional nurses thrust me down that isle.
The walls seemed to be a very clean bright white but when I concentrated at the very bottom I noticed mouldy white stains from where things had been accidently spilt. That didn’t bother me. I had other intentions.
Thank you.
Three very similar questions/issues here which I will attempt to answer all in one go (and apologies for the delay). First up, the "Special Place" description: this is the right side of the line and does not become too narractive so there is nothing to worry about here- it's very good.
ReplyDeleteIn answer to the question about dialogue, it is OK to have a very small amount but you MUST punctuate it correctly which people often get wrong:
1) New line for a new speaker
2) Punctuation before and after someone speaks
3) Accurate use of speech marks
Finally, the issue of descriptive writing becomeing too narrative is a tough one because, without narrative, description is inherently quite abstract. My top tip is to stick to the senses and, in particular, what you can see and feel. The second any action takes place (i.e. anybody in the story actually DOES anything) you are in danger of becoming narrative (which for a question like "describe the best day of your life" would be absolutely fine). For tasks which clearly do not require narrative, think about describing a photograph of the story you are trying to tell and this should avoide the narrative.
Describe a nightmare world
ReplyDeleteMy idea of a nightmarish world isn't the same as any other with the ghouls, vampires and werewolves. No. Something worse. The real world.
Many talk of how wonderful and perfect the world is; not knowing what lies in the back of alleys, poorests of countries or anywhere but their own safe peacful village. Can one really say it is safe? Just walking down to the cornershop, I can easily spot hooded figures exchanging "gifts"; the stench of sewers lingering umong the humid air; sirens blasting through the littered streets. How can one honestly say it is perfect?
Perfect is when violence and crime doesn't take place; when humans act as humans and not backbiting bulldogs with staggering teeth; when the thought of evil is non-existant and is blocked out from the worlds.
But that's unlikely to happen. Infact - it's impossible. Humans, or what we such creatures, thrist for power, strength and money. Their greedy claws are ready to grab anything and everything. You've already seen the damage done: dissapearing forests, endagered species, homeless orphans.
What scares me the most is about these blood-thirsty vampirish monsters, who willingly feed eachother's lives, is that I am one of them. Being part of a race which does so much wrong...I cannot descirbe the shame, guilt and anger it brings me. Do I really exist to ruin? The world is my nightmare. A nightmare which I cannot wake from.
-Simba :)
Describe the room you're in.
ReplyDeleteIt's freezing; my room is small, empty. I can't complain, though; everyone here has a room like this. A cell.
The space where my wall should be is, instead, a cluster of hard metal bars through which I can see the cell opposite my own. Nobody has any privacy here. I can't eat alone. I can't sleep alone. I can't undress alone.
There's always someone watching.
I don't deserve to be here, alright? I know you won't believe me - nobody would - but I really was framed. My crime was harmless theft, yet I'm imprisoned on account of murder for the rest of my life.
There's nothing here but a disgusting bed, a urinal and a sink. My sheets reek of sweat. When I arrived last month, they hadn't been changed from the last inmate. They still haven't. The sink is contaminated with thick limescale and the urinal... I don't even want to go into detail on that mess.
This prison is dismal, dull and depressing; it's like Hell on Earth. Day after awful day my world is filled with malicious, ruthless torment.
I'll get out of here. I know I will.
--From Cassie
I think I went a little off-topic too much...
Hi Cassie,
ReplyDeleteNo you didn't, this is great; my only concern would be regarding whether you could sustain it for 45 minutes to turn it into a decent length piece. You write quickly and creatively which is fantastic but I would bet my bottom dollar that you didn't plan this and I really think you should tomorrow- just five or so bullet points outlining the structure of what you will write is all it needs.